On April 27, 2012,
in She flew lazy circles above the giant, clear blue rectangular pond. Hunting.
She needed a meal of fresh blood so that she could reproduce. That night, she was a predator. Any mammal would do. A dog. A cow. A horse (after all – that’s what she is named for). Even a human.
As luck would have it, prey was bountiful that night. There was a multitude of humans in and around the pond. She didn’t understand why they kept going back and forth across it, but no matter. Eventually one would stop and come out of the water. Then she would launch her attack.
She’d land ever so gently upon her prey. Then, using her strong mandibles, she’d rip open the flesh and begin drinking her sought-after meal. Blood. Rich in vitamins and nutrients. She would then be able to carry on her innate role of reproducing herself.
Finally, one of those crazy humans lingered at the edge of the water. He stood there, catching his breath from one of those trips down and back – over and over again. He’d never notice her land on his left shoulder. So she did. She walked around a little until she sensed that she had found the perfect spot. Right below the left shoulder blade. She could enjoy her meal, and the likelihood that he would be able to fight back was low. She knew that he was not limber enough to get his arm back that far to hit her.
And… Read the rest
Credit/funtimesguide.com
My undergraduate degree is in Broadcast Media. Radio & television. Once upon a time, I had designs on being the next Matt Lauer. Eventually, I discovered that I had a face for radio and a voice for newsprint – and thus the days of my media career were short-lived.
All that said, back in school, working in the broadcasting world was exciting to me. I worked at a couple of commercial radio stations, but by far my most memorable experiences came working at my college radio station, WASU.
For those of you who don’t know, college radio is what radio is supposed to be about. It’s live. It’s eclectic. A breath of fresh air. It’s really good programming – and a chance for you to learn something new both musically and about yourself at the same time. Often the music is cutting-edge, even if the technology in the station may not be. As a DJ, working on a college radio station was FUN. You never knew when the turntables wouldn’t work, when a record would skip, when the CD player would go haywire in the middle of a song, or when you’d get a call from a drunken student requesting some really obscure song (or it could have been that you couldn’t understand through the slurring). Working on the radio was an experience!
So how does this all fit into triathlon, you ask?
Well, it’s simple. Triathlon should be a fun experience. Each time you… Read the rest
Tyrannosaurus Rex. The meanest, baddest, carnivore of all time. Other dinos likely feared him. Ian Malcolm from Jurassic Park certainly did.
Everyone knows what T. Rex looked like. Huge legs, strong tail, immense head. Teeny-tiny arms.
According to my kids, I run like a T. Rex. They passed me on my long run Sunday afternoon (they were out and about in the car with their mother). Upon finishing my run, they literally attacked me and in unison told me that I looked like a T. Rex.
At first, I was pretty pleased with this comparison. Certainly, I would have preferred to have been compared to the graceful and swift cheetah, but I’ll take the tyrant lizard king. Not only would I have the most powerful bite of anyone (useful when eating energy bars and chews), there’s research that shows that T. Rex could probably reach 30-45 mph in an all-out sprint, but maintain 18 mph. That’s pretty dang fast! (Actually….that’s REALLY fast….like 3:20 minutes per mile fast).
But no. Comparing my running to that of a T. Rex had nothing to do with speed.
Nor did it relate to my abnormally large melon. Yes, my kids think I have a head of proportionate size with a T. Rex. And while my head may be a little on the large size, it doesn’t account for a large portion of my body weight.
It boiled down to the arms.
Apparently, my kids thought I was carrying my arms too high…basically up… Read the rest
Remember back when we were in grade school how we all made nifty little Valentine’s boxes so that all of our classmates could give us a Valentine – preferably one with candy attached? I’ve often wondered why we stopped doing that?
I mean, who didn’t love getting a little card from someone expressing their desire to be a Valentine (even when they might not have liked us but were forced to give us a card in the spirit of fairness)? The coolest cards for me were the GI Joe and Star Wars cards…not the puppy and Care Bear cards. But what made my day (regardless of how cheesy the card) was the quality of the candy attached. Those heart candies with the phrases on them? Awful. Straight to the garbage. Lollipops? Always a winner. Hersey’s kisses? Check. SweetTarts? Be still my beating heart. A Blow Pop? I’m in love – will you marry me?
So I wonder if we still had this tradition as adults – and more specifically as triathletes – what would arrive in our Valentine’s box? How about a little bottle of lube (for your chain, of course)? A pair of socks? A can of TriSlide? A gel or two?
Oh my gosh – as I wrote that list of Tri-type items, I couldn’t help by letting my mind stray into the gutter.
What say you? If you were to give a fellow triathlete a Valentine, what would your candy be? What would your card say?… Read the rest
credit: Coveryourrace.com
There are many sacred truths in our sport. And a few myths as well.
After having read a pretty good thread on Slowtwitch (click here for the thread), TriMadness sought out to identify and capture a detailed listing of the most pervasive triathlon-related myths. After burning up significant amounts of internet bandwidth – as well as partaking in more than a few Mexican frosty beverages over the weekend, TriMadness is proud to present the following list of triathlon myths:
(feel free to debunk, refute, add to, or bash this list)
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Shaving your legs will make you go faster
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Running a 10-minute mile is NOT “running”
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Not qualifying for Kona or Boston means that you are not a “real” triathlete
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Replacing your down-tube water bottle with an aero bottle will make you significantly more aero, hence faster
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Breastroke should never be done in a triathlon
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Backstroke should never be done in a triathlon
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If you switch to a new gel/drink/nutrition product on a race day, you will automatically puke
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You must train with power
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Ironman puts on the best triathlon series ever
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You must have both a road bike and a tri bike
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You must race Kona before you die
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Triathletes
You may have seen some of the viral videos going around about “Sh@#” so & so says. There’s one out there about cyclists. Professional triathlete Melanie McQuaid made one about triathletes (see here).
While watching Melanie’s video, I was literally laughing out loud. So much of what she included is in almost every triathlete’s lexicon….
- “I’m so tired”
- “I think that’s a PR”
- “I’ve been working on my nutrition strategy”
- “I don’t do IM” (as in individual medley in the pool)
Those are just a few examples of little tidbits that we triathletes often say. The video got me thinking. Surely there are TONS more things that we are well known for saying. I thought I’d capture a few:
- I can’t do flip-turns
- Today is my rest day
- I only exercise so I can eat what I want
- I’m training in zone 3 today
- Today is my hard day
- Critique my form
- What is the fastest wheel out there?
- Should I shave my legs?
- Should I get an m-Dot tattoo?
- Should I use the wetsuit strippers?
- You’re not a real athlete if you walk any of the marathon
- I need to log that workout
- My aero helmet will reduce drag during my bike, so I’ll go faster
- What kind of lube do you use?
- I’m a minimalist runner
- No, they are arm coolers, not arm warmers
- Where can I get a good training plan?
Again, I’m sure that there are literally tons and tons… Read the rest
Disclosure: The producers of TriMadness strongly discourage the behavior described below. Do not attempt this at home. The producers neither condone nor support the after-effects of said activities. The risk is yours. Be afraid. Very afraid.
Not actually me. No armpits were seriously hurt in the making of this post.
”Feel the burn!”
It’s an all-too familar refrain in the gym. Muscle-bound weighlifters shout it at each other. Football players think it as they run suicides. Triathletes feel it after sitting on their bike for too long without some sort of anti-chafe balm.
TriMadness experienced something reminiscent of the photo above last night after having completed…….a swim workout!
Paint the picture: Last night’s workout consisted of 3500 yards with an emphasis on focusing on arm-work. Namely my catch and pull. The workout went really well. Hit most of my intervals, kept my heart rate in check, felt good about my stroke. All was great in the world.
I had a social engagement following my swim workout, so I proceeded home, took the requisite shower and started getting dressed. And then came the most painful thing I have experienced in years.
I put on deodorant.
And then someone apparently held a blow torch underneath my armpits. For an hour.
Immediately upon spreading a little Old Spice Swagger, I screamed like a little girl, started hopping up and down, waved my arms as if I were trying to take flight, and looked for something cool to place… Read the rest
Credit: http://liquidlearn.com
I’m not one who usually rants. Seriously. Take a look back through all my prior posts. I suspect you’d have a difficult time finding too many posts where I complain about something.
That being said, in the spirit of all the resolutionist-bashing that is happening on triathlon message boards and blogs aplenty, I thought it apropos for me to do a little bashing of my own. After all, a guy’s allowed to be a little grumpy every now and then. Right?
Without further ado, here’s a few things that irk the crap out of me:
- Band-Aids floating in the pool. No explanation required.
- People who use the restroom in public spaces and then conveniently “forget” to flush. Yeah – thanks for leaving your temple-bursting, corn-laden, foul-smelling butt purge in the toilet for the rest of humanity to see. Because I’m sure you do the same thing at home. And could you at least hit the toilet when you pee?
- Race directors that give out race bibs that don’t have holes punched in the corners so I can use my race belt. Triathletes love to use safety pins.
- Wheel-sucking drafters at races
- Folks who spend 20 minutes in the porta-potty prior to a race. Seriously? There’s 500 of us waiting to use three porta-pottys and you’re in there reading a novel!
- Lap lane conversationalists. You know – the type of folks that you hate sitting next to on a plane, but they’re in the pool
“He’s making a list and checking it twice. Gonna find out if you’re naughty or nice…”
While we all think that we fall into the “nice” category and will automatically receive gifts of new bikes, fancy aero wheels, new running shoes and the like under our tree, the real question is do we really know?
Best scene from Disney's The Santa Clause movie….
Now is the time of year when it’s pretty important to assess whether you’ve been a good boy or girl and if Santa is going to bring you some triathlon goodness or a slew of flat tires. As a public service, the editors of TriMadness have come up with a method that should help you decode your upcoming holiday gift haul.
Detailed below is a handy-dandy little survey much like the surveys in some of those trashy women’s magazines….not that I ever read them, I just look at the pictures…
Take a few minutes to read the questions and keep a tally of your points. You’ll be able to see exactly where you land and what you should expect to get this year. Please make sure you leave a comment with your score!
Scoring: If your combined score was greater than 50 points, consider yourself NICE. Surely Santa will deliver a set of Zipp 1080′s and a new TYR Freak of Nature wetsuit to your tree. You’ll also get a training day with Michael & Amanda Lovato (in their… Read the rest
Most sports, hobbies and professions have accolades for the best of the best. The Oscars. The Emmys. The NFL MVP. Miss Hooters. The National Spelling Bee Champion. The Basketball Hall of Fame. The National Hollarin’ Contest Winner.
Sure, there’s the Endurance Sports Awards, but typical age groupers will never be in the running for one of those awards.
There’s a far better award for normal folks like you and me to aspire for…
Scott, the author of the Big Daddy Diesel blog came up with this awesome award and has been periodically posting winners.
Yes, you too could win this prestigous award, but it takes hard work, sacrifice, and an inside-out stomach! Eat too much before a race? Purge it! Swallow too much lake water? Offer up a technicolor yawn. Too many gels? Barf-o-rama! Feel OK, but still want the award? Stick your CO2 cartridge down your gullet and go for launch!
You can find past winners (in all their slimy glory) here. To nominate someone (or yourself) for this most high honor, drop Scott an email or leave a comment on his blog.
And while you’re enjoying the lovely smell associated with any Pukie, send me some love….I’ve won the Pukie not once, but twice! Check out his post today for details on my latest….ahem….accomplishment.
Bottoms up!
